It isn't far away...

We are within 24 hours away from Baby Day.... we are overdue and some contractions are starting. Gulp.

My life is about to change forever... blimey

You can't keep a loudmouth quiet...

Hello...

Not sure if anyone reads this anymore but I'm still alive, I'm still trucking on because the trucking never stops!

Baby is born in two weeks time and everything going to plan... I guarantee a picture here.

But... fucking hell is parenthood scary.

I recommend the following things for any potential father:

1) Money
2) Concrete stomach (there is blood and pooh on a pregnancy table?!?!?)
3) Thick skin (female hormones are scary)
4) The ability to say "Yes, dear" (she will want to buy everything... every contraption and every book.
5) One booze-filled, late-night-filled month before the baby comes

I will be back again...

A Lot Of Things Can Happen in 3 Months...

It was tempting to play a guessing game - who could think of the news I have had over the last three months.

Impatience is a virtue of mine, which I don't try to hide - why bother? Hiding a character trait is like cheating at Solitaire - you're only kidding yourself, everyone else can see it and cheating just makes you look a little sad.

I haven't just got myself a serious girlfriend... whom I love (even if she is as stroppy as a pitbull stung by a wasp) but she is also carrying my firstborn.

Now... isn't that a bombshell? Makes my silence over the last 3 months sensical.

I was shocked as anyone... only had unprotected sex once and suddenly I'm now thinking about cots, innoculations and how I have to move out of my flat and into a 3-bedroomed house.

For any man reading this... I will give you some advice when you hear those 4 little words, those 4 words that mean so much: "I think I'm pregnant." There are many ways to react; cheer, scream, cry, hug and kiss and fall about in giggles.... I didn't bathe myself in glory - "Are you absolutely sure? Can't be, can't be me - I'd have remembered."

Not. A. Good. Move.

"Are you implying it's someone else's?"

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

That is where I will go down in history of my other half and of my child of being a total arse.

I never mentioned the actual words, worse thing is, I never actually thought them - in my completely shock addled brain, it's the first thing to come to mind.

For the first week of being a soon-to-be Dad - it's horrifying... terrifying. You also become incredibly selfish - don't mention the fact my other half's body will change, have an immense amount of pain and all that... my life will be impacted.... it will be impacted big... and I don't like it.

Things I Will No Longer Be Able To Do:

1) Take girls home with me (I've never done it before, I'm not good looking enough or that much of a bastard but NOW it's actually final)
2) Be able to spend my money on what I want to spend it on... I want a PS3!!!! Not a fucking "cot" with my hard-earned money
3) Get a good night's sleep... ever again
4) Act with total decadence and abandon and rock n' roll.... I'm supposed to be respectable!
5) Ever have sex again.

I told you I'm selfish.... no girls, no games, no rock n' roll and no sex. I used to be so cool (thought so anyway) my life as a cad and being dangerous are well and truly over. Damn it!!

So.... I'm going to be a Dad. I'm going to be pushing a buggy. I'm fucking petrified. But the other half - even though she has now taken to calling me Peter Pan - is putting up with everything I throw at her. Bless her!

PARENTAL QUESTION OF THE DAY:

Does a child ever want to know how they were conceived?

POST YOUR ANSWERS IN THE COMMENTS:

Coming Soon

Believe it or not... Coming Soon. Tales from An Innocent Bystander will be reborn.

Excited? You shouldn't be!

Lots of things have happened and the Blog will change considerably in terms of content!

Back January 1st - watch this space!

The Big Number 3

The number three has never bothered me before... as in "I am 3? years of age..."

The actual age 30 isn't scary in its own right... it's the baggage, it's everything that comes with it, it's what it represents, it's how your body clock works and how the world reacts to you and also... how people see you.

I'm not there yet, but I can already see its potential impact on me. Like a metal pin just close enough to be ever so slightly tugged by it but not quite in its full grip.

The Unwritten Rules Of Getting Near That Magic Number:

1) Relationships are no longer flings... they are "are you going to marry me and have my children"
2) The hangovers get worse
3) You don't feel like going out as much
4) You feel guilty for having sexual thoughts about people who are around the 18/20 year old mark
5) You worry about property depreciation
6) Your politics become more right wing
7) You know what Passata is
8) You know the price of washing machines
9) It's more difficult to lose weight
10) You start making a little noise everytime you get up or sit down
11) It takes more effort to wake up/walk up hills/maintain erections/eat onions late at night
12) You start to feel your memory is going
14) Basic motor functions and mathematics start to fade
15) You start to think the world was better when you were a younger
16) You start to feel your memory is going
17) You haven't heard of all the cool bands, artists, celebrities
18) You don't know how to work new technology
19) You become far more cynical than you used to
20) You start to realise... that you pray to anything more hoping that it won't get any worse
21) You become petrified of children
22) You start to get back pain

Seriously, I'm fucking petrified and I'm going out disgracefully!

Hope London and Ireland was good Linny - been reading your exploits!
Lyvvie: Blackberries are very, very, very dangerous.. eat all my time and brain cells!

This Was The Month That Was...

Ten Things That Have Happened To Me:

1) Got a new job... as a Managing Director. Fuck knows how that happened!!
2) Got asked to be Best Man at a very close friend's wedding
3) Decided that I am now too old to do most Class A Drugs
4) Decided to floss everyday... I know, I know.
5) Got a BlackBerry... It now owns my life
6) Became disillusioned with my political party
7) Booked a holiday to Greece
8) Housemates decided to move out... at fucking last
9) Started writing a dark comedy book (hence where all my creativity has gone)
10) Sadly... put on a little weight

I would have dearly loved to say that I was saving the world, finding a cure to cancer or indulging in mass orgies with members of female pop groups and soap stars... but alas... you can't have everything.

I am back, baby... and you'll realise you never cared. :-)

Hello Lyvvie, yeah, you busted me and Linny, I'm very disappointed that you didn't need a guide!

Shine on you crazy diamonds!

The Well Is Dry

-- I'm starting a new job
-- My hatred for Israel grows stronger
-- I'm relatively happy

Rather much like a coal mine or oil well... I'm running dry and I can't think of anything to write.

I could write about politics... but no-one wants to read about that here. :-)